I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize