I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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