fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
