Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
