Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
