Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
