I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
