I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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