i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
