I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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