Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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