Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
