i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize