Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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