You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
