nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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