My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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