if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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