There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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