I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
