I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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