i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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