I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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