you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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