she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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