Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
