The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
