apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
