i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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