She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
