guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
