I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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