Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
