i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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