yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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