i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
