Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize