I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
