The maid of honor just puked.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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