the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
