my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
