Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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