Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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