Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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