i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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