How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize