i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
