Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
