My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize