I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
