every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
