this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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