Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize