You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
