She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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