Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
